the_plunk (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} the_plunk) wrote,@ 2007-09-21 19:20:00 |
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Superman is a Dick
I just watched the new direct-to-video animated Superman movie, because I am an adult who likes cartoons, I guess. It's really not that bad, and makes a good story out of pretty terrible source material. It looks pretty similar to the Superman cartoon from last decade, except for some pretty needless tinkering with the models that makes Superman look like Dick Tracy and Lex Luthor look like some kind of disco hipster-themed villain who hasn't been eating regularly or has tuberculosis or something. The voice acting isn't as perfect as the Bruce Timm Superman cartoon, but I'm willing to excuse it because Adam Baldwin plays Superman, which is pretty awesome. Anyway, a spoilerly stream-of-consciousness review with out-of-context photos lurks below the cut. Do you dare to learn the terrible truth?
This one's actually got a pretty decent plot, and the marketing people get extra points for not actually giving everything away in the advertising. The movie's set up to look like it's all fight between Superman and Doomsday, just like the comics they story's based on, but, to my genuine delight and surprise, that part of the story ends about 20 minutes into the movie. After that, there's a pretty awesome mostly original story about Superman doing a Rocky IV training montage with his pet robot in the Fortress of Solitude and then fighting evil Superman. More on that later.
First, I want to say something about Doomsday, who is a stupid character with a stupid name. I like how he's treated in this movie because he's a dumb character who doesn't even get a name or a backstory. He just pops out of the ground and smashes things, and the movie really celebrates how incredibly goofy that is. He really hates cranes and trucks, except when he's distracted by deer. The best thing about him is actually how easily distracted his is. Once he gets to Metropolis, he starts smashing a truck and then goes to chase some people gawking at him and smashes a few of them, until he sees a helcopter and jumps after it until he stomps after a little girl, who ducks behind a truck that he then goes after. Superman gets worried that if he doesn't fly out to stop him, Doomsday (I'll just start calling him "nameless monster" from now on because that doesn't sound as stupid) will kill everybody in the city, but honestly that would take quite a while given Nameless Monster's short attention span. In fact, the first act of the movie probably wouldn't clear 15 minutes without the constant string of interruptions where Nameless Monster loses interest in fighting Superman to pound on some spectators. Other than that, the whole fight with Nameless Monster doesn't have a lot going for it and, thankfully, sets up more plot.
Raaaah! Hulk Sma--Er, Nameless Monster Smash! Me original character! Me hate copyright infringement!
Other than the short run-time of the slugfest with Nameless Monster, the absolute best thing about this movie is the universe that it's set in. It might look like the modern animated Superman, but underneath all the neo-art-deco it's pure sixties madness. Superman hangs out in the Fortress of Solitude, which has a giant gold door and crazy crap like a homemade neutron star and the damn time telescope, where he and his wisecracking Superman robot use his Super Computer to cure cancer. If Batman doesn't have an inferiority complex yet, seeing how the crap in Superman's rumpus room puts his dinosaur robot and giant penny to shame is sure to bring it about.
I don't understand, Lois. I tried punching it and kicking it and blowing on it with my super-breath. I'm beginning to think I may not be able to cure cancer after all. I'm glad I have this delicious corn to take my mind off things.
In case you missed that, Superman and his robot chum are trying to cure cancer when the movie starts. Ok, so the robot doesn't look exactly like Superman and clean his apartment and play elaborate practical jokes on Lois, but it's a Superman robot, ok. Don't tell me this isn't Silver Age-awesome. It's not quite Super Self-Hypnosis, but it's damn close.
Now why did they Crisis away all this solid gold?
The other Silver Age awesome thing is that Lois and Superman are dating and hanging out in the Fortress of Solitude in matching bathrobes, and Lois acts like she has no idea that Superman is really Clark Kent. It's just like all those old comics where Lois is a moron because she can't figure out that glasses aren't really a disguise, even though she's a reporter. But the awesome twist this time around is that Lois actually figured out that Superman's really Clark Kent, although we don't know how long it took her to find out. Maybe she looked in the medicine cabinet and saw Clark Kent's name on the medication bottles or called Clark from the Fortress of Solitude space-phone and saw that Superman's cell started ringing and the only thing Superman could think to do was look at it and pretend like Batman was calling and he didn't want to answer it even though it was obvious that Lois knew but Superman didn't want to look like a dick. but whatever the reason, I like this development because it turns the old question of why nobody realizes that Superman and Clark Kent look and sound and move alike on its head. See, if Lois knows that Superman is Clark Kent but goes on pretending that his brilliant disguise has her fooled, then maybe everybody does it, just to spare his feelings. Superman is dumb enough not to realize that his stupid, lame disguise wouldn't fool a child, so maybe everybody is just humoring him. I can believe that everyone Superman knows is kind of afraid of pissing him off and getting smashed in a super-rage. He wouldn't mean it, sure, but he's kind of a dick. And actually, that brings me to my next point.
Oh sure, Clark. You have to "pick up some drycleaning." I understand. Look, could you try not to smash so many--uh, I mean, if you happen to run into Superman on your way, could you tell him not to smash so many buildings this time?
After Superman kills Nameless Monster and dies, the rest of the movie is about how Lex Luthor makes a clone of Superman who becomes the real heavy of the rest of the movie. Although it's kind of been done before, I like this version of the story because this evil Superman isn't really evil. He just kind of gets fed-up with his job and starts to get pissed at how he just does the same boring crap every day. And honestly, who hasn't felt that way about working for a living? I'd probably want to start throwing Toyman into space after the eighth time I busted him too, and I'd damn well get pissed about every idiot wanting me to save them from their own stupidity just because I'm Superman. So anyway, clone Superman does what Superman does best and becomes a huge dick to everyone. As a fan of all Superman's best dick moments, I love jerky clone Superman and how he tells off old ladies and barges into barber shops without making an appointment. And he almost becomes Super Pope, which he's actually done more often than you might think.
The Superman I've always wanted to see in a cartoon
While clone Superman is out living the high life of strutting around like he owns the city and refusing to pick up Lex's groceries, we find out that the real Superman isn't dead but was in fact just sleeping. That's kind of a lame resolution, but I can get over it. Anyway, Superman's pet robot grabs his sleeping non-dead corpse and flies it back to the Fortress of Solitude, where Superman eventually wakes up. After that, he grows a mullet, does some strength training, does a Rocky montage, throws on one of KISS's extra jumpsuits and saves the day. That's pretty much it.
So, overall it's a pretty solid flick. It's a totally original story that pretends to be an adaptation of some lame comics, so be prepared for that. It's something different, and I like it. But there are some problems. First, there are some totally pointless changes to the character designs. Because Bruce Timm directed this and the older Superman cartoon, it looks pretty similar. So, in order for him to keep things different, he threw a bunch of extra lines on Superman's face that make him look like Dick Tracy. They're really distracting, because I don't even really know what they're supposed to be. Did Superman get his face painted at a carnival? Did he fall asleep at the eye doctor while looking through that thing that lets you test eyeglass lenses? I have no idea, but I know the extra lines on his face do nothing but distract me. He's also got a Bruce Campbell chin and some wavy forehead lines, and I don't know what those are about, either. The deal with Superman is that he's a guy with a bland face. There's not a lot you can do with it, and Bruce Timm already did everything he could back in 1997, so any changes he could think to make would just make things worse. It would be like the director of Superman III telling Christopher Reeve to wear chin putty and a fake nose and an eyepatch to keep things fresh, And that's exactly what happens here. He just took a good design and made it busy for no reason.
To give you a better impression of what the new Superman design is like, I made some serious improvements to Christopher Reeve
The other redesign that bothers me is Lex Luthor, who Timm has made more menacing by making him skinnier and throwing him into a white leisure suit and disco boots. He also sports a great 70's-era white turtleneck that makes him look extra ridiculous. He's pretty goofy looking and I'm sorry I can't find any good images to post. I can find images to post though, just not ones where Lex is fully dressed, and that's because the other thing about Lex is that he's really, really obsessed with Superman. Not in the sense that he wants to defeat him or become more famous than Superman or anything like that. He's more obsessed in the way that would make him build a disco sex box and make a clone of Superman to throw inside. I mean, he's really, really into Superman. See, I'm not one of those internet nerds that likes to make jokes about Batman and Robin, even when they mention "Bat-Lube," but it's pretty hard to deny that Lex is gay for Superman in this movie. I mean, just watch this:
Did you watch it? Yeah, there's not a lot more to say. Not that I have a problem with Lex being gay, but it has to be weird for Superman. If he's figured it out, that is, which he may not have. I mean, he's not Batman or anything, so something pretty unsubtle would have to tip him off. However, you'd think that he would catch on after foiling Lex's 50th weather machine plot or attempt to steal the internet:
Superman: It sure was easy to foil you this time, Lex. Why did you even try to steal forty cakes?
Lex: Because that's as many as four tens. Isn't that terrible? Don't I deserve to be punished for even trying? Doesn't my villainy make you mad enough to beat me up some more?
Superman: Honestly, it's like you wanted to get caught or something. Almost like you contrived this entire situation so that I would show up and fight you. But then you didn't even put up a fight. It was almost like you were enjoying yoursel...hey, you're breathing kind of funny. Do you have asthma or something? I could fly lower if...Great Rao! Another sex freak! Not that I'm judgmental or anything, but you're like the third one this month! Did you know Professor Zoom is a streaker? Yeah, you can't tell because he runs so fast, but he likes to take laps around the mall when the old people are walking. He thinks it's funny or something. That's actually why he wanted to be Flash's arch-nemesis. Funny story... But I do have real crime to stop, you know.
Anyway, it's kind of strange but it does also kind of grow out of the character. Other than that, there's not much more to say. The voice cast is decent, but not as good as the STAS crew was in the old days. Adam Baldwin is great because he's Adam Baldwin, but everybody else is pretty forgettable. Lois sounds like she recorded her lines through a roll of carpet, or maybe from a few rooms down the hall from the recording studio. John Dimaggio, tv's Bender, plays Toyman, even though he's not really recognizable.
All-in-all, I say check it out.
P.S.- Lois has a segway in her balcony. Look for it in the last shot of the movie.
I just watched the new direct-to-video animated Superman movie, because I am an adult who likes cartoons, I guess. It's really not that bad, and makes a good story out of pretty terrible source material. It looks pretty similar to the Superman cartoon from last decade, except for some pretty needless tinkering with the models that makes Superman look like Dick Tracy and Lex Luthor look like some kind of disco hipster-themed villain who hasn't been eating regularly or has tuberculosis or something. The voice acting isn't as perfect as the Bruce Timm Superman cartoon, but I'm willing to excuse it because Adam Baldwin plays Superman, which is pretty awesome. Anyway, a spoilerly stream-of-consciousness review with out-of-context photos lurks below the cut. Do you dare to learn the terrible truth?
This one's actually got a pretty decent plot, and the marketing people get extra points for not actually giving everything away in the advertising. The movie's set up to look like it's all fight between Superman and Doomsday, just like the comics they story's based on, but, to my genuine delight and surprise, that part of the story ends about 20 minutes into the movie. After that, there's a pretty awesome mostly original story about Superman doing a Rocky IV training montage with his pet robot in the Fortress of Solitude and then fighting evil Superman. More on that later.
First, I want to say something about Doomsday, who is a stupid character with a stupid name. I like how he's treated in this movie because he's a dumb character who doesn't even get a name or a backstory. He just pops out of the ground and smashes things, and the movie really celebrates how incredibly goofy that is. He really hates cranes and trucks, except when he's distracted by deer. The best thing about him is actually how easily distracted his is. Once he gets to Metropolis, he starts smashing a truck and then goes to chase some people gawking at him and smashes a few of them, until he sees a helcopter and jumps after it until he stomps after a little girl, who ducks behind a truck that he then goes after. Superman gets worried that if he doesn't fly out to stop him, Doomsday (I'll just start calling him "nameless monster" from now on because that doesn't sound as stupid) will kill everybody in the city, but honestly that would take quite a while given Nameless Monster's short attention span. In fact, the first act of the movie probably wouldn't clear 15 minutes without the constant string of interruptions where Nameless Monster loses interest in fighting Superman to pound on some spectators. Other than that, the whole fight with Nameless Monster doesn't have a lot going for it and, thankfully, sets up more plot.
Other than the short run-time of the slugfest with Nameless Monster, the absolute best thing about this movie is the universe that it's set in. It might look like the modern animated Superman, but underneath all the neo-art-deco it's pure sixties madness. Superman hangs out in the Fortress of Solitude, which has a giant gold door and crazy crap like a homemade neutron star and the damn time telescope, where he and his wisecracking Superman robot use his Super Computer to cure cancer. If Batman doesn't have an inferiority complex yet, seeing how the crap in Superman's rumpus room puts his dinosaur robot and giant penny to shame is sure to bring it about.
In case you missed that, Superman and his robot chum are trying to cure cancer when the movie starts. Ok, so the robot doesn't look exactly like Superman and clean his apartment and play elaborate practical jokes on Lois, but it's a Superman robot, ok. Don't tell me this isn't Silver Age-awesome. It's not quite Super Self-Hypnosis, but it's damn close.
The other Silver Age awesome thing is that Lois and Superman are dating and hanging out in the Fortress of Solitude in matching bathrobes, and Lois acts like she has no idea that Superman is really Clark Kent. It's just like all those old comics where Lois is a moron because she can't figure out that glasses aren't really a disguise, even though she's a reporter. But the awesome twist this time around is that Lois actually figured out that Superman's really Clark Kent, although we don't know how long it took her to find out. Maybe she looked in the medicine cabinet and saw Clark Kent's name on the medication bottles or called Clark from the Fortress of Solitude space-phone and saw that Superman's cell started ringing and the only thing Superman could think to do was look at it and pretend like Batman was calling and he didn't want to answer it even though it was obvious that Lois knew but Superman didn't want to look like a dick. but whatever the reason, I like this development because it turns the old question of why nobody realizes that Superman and Clark Kent look and sound and move alike on its head. See, if Lois knows that Superman is Clark Kent but goes on pretending that his brilliant disguise has her fooled, then maybe everybody does it, just to spare his feelings. Superman is dumb enough not to realize that his stupid, lame disguise wouldn't fool a child, so maybe everybody is just humoring him. I can believe that everyone Superman knows is kind of afraid of pissing him off and getting smashed in a super-rage. He wouldn't mean it, sure, but he's kind of a dick. And actually, that brings me to my next point.
After Superman kills Nameless Monster and dies, the rest of the movie is about how Lex Luthor makes a clone of Superman who becomes the real heavy of the rest of the movie. Although it's kind of been done before, I like this version of the story because this evil Superman isn't really evil. He just kind of gets fed-up with his job and starts to get pissed at how he just does the same boring crap every day. And honestly, who hasn't felt that way about working for a living? I'd probably want to start throwing Toyman into space after the eighth time I busted him too, and I'd damn well get pissed about every idiot wanting me to save them from their own stupidity just because I'm Superman. So anyway, clone Superman does what Superman does best and becomes a huge dick to everyone. As a fan of all Superman's best dick moments, I love jerky clone Superman and how he tells off old ladies and barges into barber shops without making an appointment. And he almost becomes Super Pope, which he's actually done more often than you might think.
While clone Superman is out living the high life of strutting around like he owns the city and refusing to pick up Lex's groceries, we find out that the real Superman isn't dead but was in fact just sleeping. That's kind of a lame resolution, but I can get over it. Anyway, Superman's pet robot grabs his sleeping non-dead corpse and flies it back to the Fortress of Solitude, where Superman eventually wakes up. After that, he grows a mullet, does some strength training, does a Rocky montage, throws on one of KISS's extra jumpsuits and saves the day. That's pretty much it.
So, overall it's a pretty solid flick. It's a totally original story that pretends to be an adaptation of some lame comics, so be prepared for that. It's something different, and I like it. But there are some problems. First, there are some totally pointless changes to the character designs. Because Bruce Timm directed this and the older Superman cartoon, it looks pretty similar. So, in order for him to keep things different, he threw a bunch of extra lines on Superman's face that make him look like Dick Tracy. They're really distracting, because I don't even really know what they're supposed to be. Did Superman get his face painted at a carnival? Did he fall asleep at the eye doctor while looking through that thing that lets you test eyeglass lenses? I have no idea, but I know the extra lines on his face do nothing but distract me. He's also got a Bruce Campbell chin and some wavy forehead lines, and I don't know what those are about, either. The deal with Superman is that he's a guy with a bland face. There's not a lot you can do with it, and Bruce Timm already did everything he could back in 1997, so any changes he could think to make would just make things worse. It would be like the director of Superman III telling Christopher Reeve to wear chin putty and a fake nose and an eyepatch to keep things fresh, And that's exactly what happens here. He just took a good design and made it busy for no reason.
The other redesign that bothers me is Lex Luthor, who Timm has made more menacing by making him skinnier and throwing him into a white leisure suit and disco boots. He also sports a great 70's-era white turtleneck that makes him look extra ridiculous. He's pretty goofy looking and I'm sorry I can't find any good images to post. I can find images to post though, just not ones where Lex is fully dressed, and that's because the other thing about Lex is that he's really, really obsessed with Superman. Not in the sense that he wants to defeat him or become more famous than Superman or anything like that. He's more obsessed in the way that would make him build a disco sex box and make a clone of Superman to throw inside. I mean, he's really, really into Superman. See, I'm not one of those internet nerds that likes to make jokes about Batman and Robin, even when they mention "Bat-Lube," but it's pretty hard to deny that Lex is gay for Superman in this movie. I mean, just watch this:
Did you watch it? Yeah, there's not a lot more to say. Not that I have a problem with Lex being gay, but it has to be weird for Superman. If he's figured it out, that is, which he may not have. I mean, he's not Batman or anything, so something pretty unsubtle would have to tip him off. However, you'd think that he would catch on after foiling Lex's 50th weather machine plot or attempt to steal the internet:
Superman: It sure was easy to foil you this time, Lex. Why did you even try to steal forty cakes?
Lex: Because that's as many as four tens. Isn't that terrible? Don't I deserve to be punished for even trying? Doesn't my villainy make you mad enough to beat me up some more?
Superman: Honestly, it's like you wanted to get caught or something. Almost like you contrived this entire situation so that I would show up and fight you. But then you didn't even put up a fight. It was almost like you were enjoying yoursel...hey, you're breathing kind of funny. Do you have asthma or something? I could fly lower if...Great Rao! Another sex freak! Not that I'm judgmental or anything, but you're like the third one this month! Did you know Professor Zoom is a streaker? Yeah, you can't tell because he runs so fast, but he likes to take laps around the mall when the old people are walking. He thinks it's funny or something. That's actually why he wanted to be Flash's arch-nemesis. Funny story... But I do have real crime to stop, you know.
Anyway, it's kind of strange but it does also kind of grow out of the character. Other than that, there's not much more to say. The voice cast is decent, but not as good as the STAS crew was in the old days. Adam Baldwin is great because he's Adam Baldwin, but everybody else is pretty forgettable. Lois sounds like she recorded her lines through a roll of carpet, or maybe from a few rooms down the hall from the recording studio. John Dimaggio, tv's Bender, plays Toyman, even though he's not really recognizable.
All-in-all, I say check it out.
P.S.- Lois has a segway in her balcony. Look for it in the last shot of the movie.
